You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize