So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
