you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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