yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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