i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize