I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
