Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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