dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
