i just wanna soil my oats bro
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
