i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
