Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize