I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
