Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
