oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
