I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
