Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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