Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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