So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
