I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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