I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
