were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
