my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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