the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
