How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
