wanna go halves on a baby?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize