I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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