i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
