I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
