I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
