Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
