and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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