when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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