I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
