I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
