I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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