If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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