Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize