All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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