we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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