I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
