You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize