he quoted the bible to break up with me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
