Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
