after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm at about main and main street
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
