I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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