before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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