Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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