this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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