I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
