Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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