How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I could make wine with my vomit
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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