Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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