He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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