so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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