Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You can't motorboat a personality
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
