Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
