I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
