i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
