if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
