I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
