yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
vagina is talking i cant
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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