I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
