If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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