He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
