i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He better not be in your backpack
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
