Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
