i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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