i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
