I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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